


Sexual Frustration

by SexuallyFrustratedHomestuck



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, Sexual Frustration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SexuallyFrustratedHomestuck/pseuds/SexuallyFrustratedHomestuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Dave, Dirk, Jake, Trickster Roxy, and Karkat are sexually frustrated!  Left with nowhere else to turn, what will they do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was late at night when John heard it. It woke him up from his sleep. It called to him. It whispered. Beaconed.

John sleepily roused from his slumber, shaking off his blue duvet. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he slowly plodded down the stairs. He scoffed at the jester statues and barely noticed the  
visage of his father, who was sitting on the couch and asking him absurd things like “John why are you up so late? Are you feeling ok? Are you sick? Do you want me to get you some water? Make you a cake?”

However John did not respond. No, instead, he plodded on. The voice was splendid. It was pulchritudinous. He couldn’t ignore it.

“ _John… come to me John…_ ”

“I’m coming,” John responded sleepily, stumbling into the kitchen.

_“Please John, don’t keep my waiting! The suspense is agony!”_

And as John hurried, his gait faltering as he ran into the kitchen, he finally spied it. The thing he knew he could never be without again.

His one true love.

The toaster.

John grabbed the toaster quickly from the countertop, running his fingers along it with delight. It ravishing. It was radiant. It was resplendent. It was everything he ever dreamed it could be.

“ _My darling! My dear! Yes yes! Be with me!”_ The toaster cried, humming in his ear and cooing sweet nothings.

John dithered and his heart palpitated with love. “Oh yes, I will never deny you again!” he moaned, freeing his already hard erection from his pants. John ran his fingers along the metallic edges, and the cute hard black handle. It was so hard he could see how much his love wanted him and he could barely take it.

The toaster was warm already. It was more than warm. It was hot. And it was hot just for him.

John bellowed mightily as he shoved himself into the tantalizing rectangle slits of the toaster, letting it warm him, squeeze him, and draw him closer and closer to completion.

Suddenly, Dave bust in through the window. “No, man! Don’t do it John!”

But it was already too late.

John had already given in to the vociferous temptations of his love the toaster. He cradled the metallic device lovingly, petting it and susurrating sweet nothings into its ears.

“Aww dude gross, and I wanted toast too,” Dave said. “Tell me you won’t do that again.”

John smirked. He could make no promises.

* * *

 

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	2. Dave: Be Sexually Frustrated

Yeah cause that doesn’t ever happen when your boyfriend is busy making out with a toaster.  It’s been seven days now since John found his new love, and really you aren’t sure you completely approve.  He’s been taking it a bit farther than ironic purposes should serve.  Copulating with his electronic buddy every few hours, taking it to the mall with him, and even introducing his new boyfriend to his dad.

Of course John’s dad was nothing but proud of him.

Whatever you say.  Whatever, that toaster will get what’s coming to it one day.

But till that day comes you’re stuck sitting alone in your room with nobody to give you solace.  You tried playing videogames and making up some sick raps but nothing is the same without John around.  You tried talking to Rose but that was just a disaster.

“Are you sure _you_ don’t have feelings for the toaster?”  She asked.

Whatever, Rose.  Whatever.

So you’re lying on your bed now staring at your ceiling and pondering the meaning of life.  And then, you hear it.  It’s resplendent.  The pulchritudinous sound.  The prodigious beats snappin and rappin.

Slowly you sit up and move toward the sound.

“ _Dave, oh Dave, come come!  I’ve waited for you for so long!_ ” It serenades you, drawing you closer.

With trepidation you amble on.  The excitement in your bones making you quake like a jolly lumberjack chopping away at a tree.  Its exquisite.  It’s irreproachable.

“ _Dave!  Don’t keep me waiting!_ ”

“I won’t my darlin’ I won’t,” you murmur, daring to gently caress the object of your fascination with the back of you knuckles.  It’s impeccable.  It’s perfect.  You’ve never been more excited than now, with your love before you.

Your turntables.

The turntables spin at you flirtatiously, whirring around and around like Wheel of Fortune.  It lights up provocatively, seducing you in ways only it knows how.

You laugh freely.  You don’t think you’ve ever been more in love.  Slowly, sensually, you run your fingers across the buttons, pressing them tantalizingly in patterns that you know your turntables love.

“ _Ooh! Ohh ohh!!!_ ” it coos back to you.  “ _Yes Dave!  Touch me there!_ ”

“Oh baby you ain’t seen nothing yet,” you say raucously.  You lick your lips and slowly gently lick the rim of the turntable platter, feeling a thrill go straight to your dick as your love shudders from the touch.

It’s too much, you can’t take any more.  Quickly, you free yourself from your pants, placing your hard dick on top of the turntable mat.  Your love knows what to do, and quickly starts spinning the tables, giving you delicious friction.

“Ahh!!!  Ahhh oh baby more!”  you scream.

And oh she gives you more.  Your turntables vibrate with their love, coming from the love you’re showing her.

Suddenly, your older brother Dirk busts into the room.  “Dave!  What are you doing to those turntables I gave you?!  You better not be—”

But you are.  In fact, it’s too late to do anything else.  You’ve already spilt your love all over the tables like pouring maple syrup all over a delicious stack of pancakes.

Bro frowns. “You’re on your own cleaning that shit up.”

You don’t care.  You’ve found your new love.  And you’re never going back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, like, follow! I do requests too!
> 
> I have a tumblr check it out and follow me! http://sexuallyfrustratedhomestuck.tumblr.com/


	3. Dirk: Be Sexually Frustrated

 

Your brother is one weird fuck.  He’s been “mixing” on his turntables all day, and you don’t mean sick beats. But then again, you can’t exactly blame the fucker for being messed up.

After all, you raised him.

But that doesn’t mean you have to sit around and listen to him go at it all day. No thank you. You retreat to your room which unfortunately shares an uncomfortably thin wall with Dave’s room.

Whatever, Jake’s coming over soon, and then the little shit can deal with _your_ noise.

You’re just about to put on your headphones to drown the sound out when you hear it.  It’s a soft humming at first, but it rises to a crescendo of ferocious frequency that makes you quell beneath the inescapable pulchritude.

Slowly, you place your headphones back, walking over to the sound.

“ _Dirk, honeycakes, be my doll won’t ya?_ ”

You lick your lips.  If the voice is coming from where you think it’s coming from, you’ll be his doll all day.  Like a cat stalking its prey, you saunter forward, reaching your trembling hands for it. A small cry of happiness escapes your lips as you realize that the voice was coming from exactly where you thought it was.  With shaking hands, you reach forward and take your one true love in your hands.

Your rocketboard.

“ _Finally, doll, you see me!_ ”

“I’ve rode you all this time,” you whisper huskily.  “I never realized you wanted me to ride you _that_ way.”

Exquisitely, you trail your calloused fingertips down the length of the shiny red board.  It’s hard already, hard just for you.  And after you grind up into it a few times, that’s all you need to be hard too.

“ _Be a doll and show me a good time!_ ” it croons to you, sending shivers down your spine.

You waste no time freeing your dick from your pants, and running yourself down the length of the board, loving the ecstatic cries it wrings from your love.  You can’t take it anymore, and you plunge yourself into the finned exhaust  pipes of your rocketboard again and again.

“ _Ohh!  Ohhh!  OOOH!!!!_ ”  Your rocketboard cries. Suddenly, it springs to life, roaring and surrounding your dick with the warmth of a thousand suns.

Together, you fly across the room, shattering the glass window and soaring outside into the open city sky.  You make love to your true love as thousands of onlookers gape from below, plunging your love rod hard and deep into your rocketboard.  And it purrs like a tiger roaring with ferocity that makes you so hot and so hard.

You land in the grass of the park near some children playing tag and a lovely elderly couple feeding the pigeons.  Jake was playing tag and he runs up to you shouting, “no Dirk!  Don’t do it you wanker!”

But it’s already too late.  You’ve given in to your beloved.

Jake frowns, “how did that not burn off your dick?”

“Just lucky I guess,” you murmur.  But you know it isn’t a guess. You’re the luckiest guy alive to have found your new true love, and you’re never giving him up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, like, follow! I do requests too!
> 
> I have a tumblr check it out and follow me! http://sexuallyfrustratedhomestuck.tumblr.com/


	4. Trickster Roxy: Be Sexually Frustrated

 

O.M.G.  You TOTALLY are!  WOW!  How did you NOT NOTICE that you were SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED for so long?!!!!

You are TRICKSTER ROXY and damn if you don’t have one hella COOL SKIRT on!!

So yeah you FINALLY got to smooch DIRK right on his CUTE LITTLE LIPS but then he ran off with his ROCKETBOARD and WHAT THE HELL??? Why did he do THAT???

But you’re not gonna let a little thing like THAT get you down!  Nope!  You’re WAY too busy listening to this super awesome cute voice of ultra mega supreme perky mirth!!!

_“Roxy oooh Roxy Roxy ROXY!!!_ ” It’s screaming to you and omg you are SO HOT for it!

So you are flying super MEGA SUPREME FAST LIKE FASTER THAN A SHITTASTIC SUPEREME TACO BELL BURRITO and you are going to find this voice!  You’re going to find your TRUE LOVE and you’re going to finish this SEXUAL FRUSTRATION if it kills you!

It’s not gonna kill you though you know that because you’re TRICKSTER ROXY and you’ve got the power of CUTE ON YOUR SIDE! And now you’ve found it and it’s your ONE TRUE LOVE and you are SO EXCITED!!!

Your cellphone.

It was in your pocket this whole time!  Who knew?!!!

NOT YOU!

So you pull it out and it’s already vibrating. It’s vibrating just for you and it’s SO HOT!

“ _Oh yes baby please please!!!  Fuck me fuck me!!!_ ” your cell phone screams at you.

And you’re surprised you can still hear it because you’ve already shoved it up your vagina and OMG it is SO HOT and so delicious and you have never been in so much LOVE!!!!

Suddenly TRICKSTER JAKE comes in.  “ROXY!  I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BILLION BABIES HOW CAN YOU DO THAT WITH A CELL PHONE?”

And you just smile at him cause you know you’ve already found your ONE TRUE LOVE but you tell him “IT’S OK JAKE WE CAN STILL HAVE A MILLION BABIES BUT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT NOW! _”_

Trickster Jake looks a little sad but it’s ok. You  already flew away with your BEST cell phone lover and you’re NEVER LOOKING BACK!

 

* * *

 

Written as a request for an Anon!  Please like, follow, and request!

Check out my tumbler!

<http://sexuallyfrustratedhomestuck.tumblr.com/> 

 

 


	5. Karkat: Be Sexually Frustrated

FUCK.  You are one batshitting primitive nimfuck if you think you are ANYTHING but sexually frustrated.  Like that dumb shitsquatting asspress John.

Fuck John.  And fuck his toaster.

The poopflinging unattractive shithead wouldn’t know sexual frustration if it hit him in the bulge.

You’re so pissed off while you fume on the couch watching reruns of your favorite romance comedies that you almost miss it.  The sweet hum of sincerity.  The blessed promise of a better life, one where everyone appreciates the finer details of a good romance novel.

You saunter toward it.  It sings to you like a choir of angels.  And finally you see it.  You know for certain how much you’ve truly missed out in your lumpy moronic dumbshit life.  You almost missed out on your true love.

The blender.

“ _Oh yes my sweet!  Come and be one with me!_ ”  it sings to you.

“But wait, you are a blender,” you frown.

“ _Yes, and you are a troll, but do I discriminate against you?”_

You don’t think your blender ever has.

So you lick the smooth glass rim, loving how its hard and ready to go. It’s ready to go just for you.  The blender whirls and spins its blades provocatively shining and smiling at you.  You laugh, because you don’t think you’ve ever been so happy or so aroused.

“ _Come be one with me my love!_ ” it cries, humming like a church choir.

You can’t wait any longer, you free your bulge from your pants and stick it inside your love.  The blender whirls and spins and gives you the best most ecstatic pleasure you have ever felt!

“Ohh ohhhhh!!!!!” you scream.

Suddenly Gamzee strolls slowly into the kitchen block, shuffling his feet.  “Woah Karbro, you sure you should be shoving your bulge in a blender?”

But you are heedless to your moirail’s words, you’ve already filled the entire blender with your red genetic slurry, and it is so good.  “Nooksmoker…” you manage to moan out to Gamzee.

Then you cry, “y tu mama tambien?”

You storm off, happy that the blender taught you Spanish.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~**~*~*~

Written for an anonymous request!  BIG thanks to the Karkat insults generator! I love you!

Please like, follow, and request!  Nepeta-chan out!

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	6. Jake: Be Sexually Frustrated

 

You are Jake English, and your boyfriend Dirk has an unhealthy infatuation with his rocketboard.  For goodness sake, he was in the recreational park making whoopee with it with children around!  Children, for God’s sake!

It’s been days now.  And you are one sexually frustrated bugger.  You’ve gently tried to suggest other activities to Dirk.  What about those robots he used to love creating?  Didn’t he want to wallop you in a friendly game of Counterstrike?  Perhaps you could both relax and unwind with a movie that HE deemed quality?

Alas, nothing seems to get his jollies off more than that blasted board.  Quite frankly, you are getting sick of it.

You even took your guns to it one day, determined to get him back. Dirk stared at the broken remnants for a good hour.  You were so certain that he would come to his mind.  Or at the very least that he would come after you for retribution.  And when he did, you could snag him into bed and get your boyfriend back!

But no.  That was not his plan.

Dirk simply made another one.

God damn your genius boyfriend.

His behavior is driving you bananas.  And you’re pretty certain that if a mental facility were to evaluate you right now you would absolutely fail that “blot test” or “spot test” or “ink blot test” or whatever they called it.

Even you’re starting to hear things that you are certain aren’t there.  You’ve been hearing it for a few days now, calling to you, but you’ve steadfastly ignored it.  No sir, you will not be drawn into this web of mischief.

You’re fairly certain that something in your drawer is crooning rapacious obscenities to you. It gets louder day by day.  But you dare not look.

You dare not.

You are Jake English.  And until Dirk comes back to his senses, you will continue to be horribly Sexually Frustrated.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So someone requested a different ending!  Here it is!  If you want me to write a different ending for Jake, just request it!  I will write it!

Please like, comment, follow, and request!  Nepeta-chan out!

<http://sexuallyfrustratedhomestuck.tumblr.com/>


	7. Rose: Be Sexually Frustrated

Rose: Be Sexually Frustrated

Rose was having a blah sort of day.  Despite her extremely good level-headed advice, nobody seemed to be listening to her when she told them:

“John, do you really think that the toaster is the love of your life?”

“Dave, how do you ever hope to get into college when you’re ejaculating on your turntables all day?”

“Dirk, are you certain that having sexual relations with your rocket board is the best way to provide for your family?”

“Roxy…nevermind.  Just don’t call anyone on that phone until you disinfect it, ok?”

“Karkat, isn’t it painful putting your bulge in a blender?”

Rose was never graced with an actual answer.

She was left alone.  A lonesome waif, tossed by the wayside. 

For a time, her books brought her solace.  For a while, her fanfiction gave her comfort.  But eventually, it was too much to bear.  She couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Rose was sexually frustrated.

It was so bad that she swore she was starting to hear things.  Terrible things that called to her in the middle of the night.  In the darkness of the darkest hour, beneath the full moon, with the windows drawn, she heard it.

“ _Rose, my dear, my sweet angel babycakes._ ”

Rose wasn’t even sure what a “babaycakes” was, but she wanted nothing to do with it.

But she couldn’t ignore it.  It was always there.  Always cooing to her, and calling her “ _babycakes babycakes babycakes_.”

Eventually, she threw aside the scarf she was knitting in her fury.  “I’ll show YOU babycakes!  I am a female full of RAGE and SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.  You had better stay out of my way!”

With those dangerous words, she stormed through her house.  She stormed through her door.  She stormed down the hallway.  She stormed into the living room.  And she stormed over to the hall closet.

She opened the closet.  She didn’t find what she was looking for.

So Rose stormed back through the living room.  She stormed down the other hallway.  She stormed and stormed into the kitchen and threw open the pantry.

“ _Why hello babycakes.  Nice to see you._ ”

Rose gasped.  “How-how can this be?  How can YOU be calling to me?  I can’t be in love with you!”

And yet she was.  As Rose took the dear possession from the shelf, she didn’t know how she had lived with it so crudely shoved in a pantry all of these years.

The electric mixer.

The mixer began to spin its paddles slowly, suggestively.  “ _Rose, babycakes, let me show you a good time._ ”

And Rose did.  She slowly brought the spinning paddles down her chest, sighing softly as they lightly beat her nipples.  Then she brought them down a bit lower, feeling them pulse against her genitals delightfully.

“ _Take of f your skirt, babycakes, let me feel you.  All of you.”_

Rose slipped off her skirt and panties.  She brought the metal paddles of the mixer to her vagina, hissing lightly as they touched her clitoris.  Unable to take it anymore, she let the mixer enter her, shoving the swirling mixer as far up into her vagina as she could.

“Ohhh ohhh!!!!”she cried.

Suddenly, Kanaya bust in like nobody’s business.  “Rose.  I must object to this thing you are doing.”

But object as she might, Rose was too far gone to stop.  With a loud cry, she threw her head into the air and came, squirting her love juice all over her newfound love.

Kanaya sighed.  Making dinner tonight was going to be such a pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, request, and follow me on tumblr! 
> 
> http://sexuallyfrustratedhomestuck.tumblr.com/


End file.
